theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
