i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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