somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
