none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Randomize
