just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
