so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
