Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
