I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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