So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
