I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
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