You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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