If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
