The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
