she kept yelling 'call me bella'
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
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