i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
