This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
