he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Randomize
