Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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