So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
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