If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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