I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
