I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
