I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
