new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
