I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I supernannyed him into submission
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
