she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
