There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
