My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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