I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
