Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Randomize
