the condom got lost in my hair
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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