New invention idea: vibrating tampons
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
