I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
