I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
