So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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