I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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