what day is it and did you see me today?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
