i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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