Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
