dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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