I think I won the penis lottery.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
