i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Randomize
