I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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