I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
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