I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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