Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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