I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
