do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
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