oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
