That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
